


Hole in my soul

by Vinushuka



Series: One year with Apocalyptica [12]
Category: Apocalyptica
Genre: F/F, F/M, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-26
Updated: 2015-11-30
Packaged: 2018-05-01 19:05:16
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 4,885
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5217272
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Vinushuka/pseuds/Vinushuka
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Instead of cooling down Perttu’s relationship with Mikko is warming up. Anna has to cope with sharing Perttu both with Eicca and Mikko and that turns out to be difficult. Having Patrik in Japan makes the situation even worse.  In the middle of her struggle only one thing keeps her going: she’s expecting a healthy baby girl, Lumi.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Pain, pain go away

## Pain, pain go away (1)

      I hated pain, all kinds of pain, but most of all the pain of wanting something that I couldn’t have. I thought I had made it clear to myself that Patrik was out of my league, but he ruined all my resolve during one Friday night. Ooh, that mass of soft, brown hair flowing over my face and body, tickling my skin while he was inside me, making me crazy in all imaginable ways. Why did he have to tear down all my defences now that he was travelling away?

      The pain made me tread back and forth in my half empty living room at Rajatorppa. I was like a tiger trapped in a cage, desperate to find a way out of this hell. I knew he was now with Eicca, saying his goodbyes to him before travelling to his orientation period in Japan. I wondered what they would decide about their relationship. To me it was obvious that it couldn’t last, but Patrik didn’t see it that way. He was blind to realities, just like I was, loving a man he couldn’t have.

      My phone rang at around ten in the evening. It was Patrik, which could mean only one thing. The ragged silence at his end told me all I needed to know. Eicca had left him. When he finally managed to say the words out loud, I was well prepared to anything that was needed to sooth his pain.

“I think we should meet still tonight. Do you want me to come over to your place or do you prefer coming here?” I asked trying to suppress my motherly instincts towards this young guy.

“Actually I am almost at Rajatorppa right now”, he confessed.

My heart skipped a beat out of pure joy, when I heard his words. He needed me after all.

       Couple of minutes later I saw him park his Audi at the parking place in front of the house.  I rushed to the hall to open the door for him. His long hair was a mess and his eyes were swollen, but to me he was like an angel waiting at my doorstep. Without a word he grabbed me into his arms and took a couple of ragged breaths to calm himself down.

“It’s over for good”, he finally whispered. “Eicca told me that he is too occupied with his family and work to continue our relationship. I fully understand his point, but I just can’t embrace it now. I wish he had given me some hope, but he didn’t. This is killing me”, Patrik continued his voice breaking down.

I wiped away the strands of hair stuck to his wet cheek and dried his face with my hand. “Please don’t cry. I think Eicca is right. You should move forward with your life. I’m sure there’s someone there for you, just waiting to be found”, I tried to comfort him. “And then there’s me, your true companion, ready to do whatever it takes to help you.”

“I know, and I’m thankful for that. You’ve already done so much for me”, he whispered and took my face into his hands to kiss me. His soft lips caressing mine were gentle but passionate setting my hungry body on fire. The lust boiling inside me made me whine of despair.

“Did I hurt you?” Patrik asked sounding worried and let go off my face.

“No, it’s just… I want this too much…”

      We both needed to calm down so I made him sit on the living room couch and listen to Eric Satie while I was preparing some evening tea for us. After we had enjoyed our tea in deep silence, I took his hand and led him into my bathroom. When I undressed him, his teeth were chattering from cold although the room was warm. I showered my man thoroughly to make him warm, being careful not to wet his long hair.  Hot and clean we finally climbed into my waterbed and folded our arms and legs around each other like serpents. He was mine now for a short while. I enjoyed the thought with my every cell.

     His mouth found my delicious breasts biting and sucking them until my body was about to burst of desire. When I couldn’t take it anymore, I begged him fuck me from behind like I’d always wanted. He filled my third wish in a most perfect way, even if it wasn’t at the backseat of his car.

      When I was drifting into sleep in his arms, I was happy and sad at the same time. He would be far away from me for more than a month. We could of course be in contact with messages and over the phone, but it wasn’t the same thing as having him near me. His presence was so overwhelming that it made me blind to everything else. There was something magical in him, but I had no idea what it was. The last thing I remember was his gentle touch on my cheek and voice in my head saying “You’re magical too and I’m going to miss you…”

      When I woke up next morning, he was gone. He had left a note on the kitchen table thanking me for my help and wishing me good luck with my baby project. I held the note against my heart hot tears rolling down my cheeks. Maybe this wasn’t love, but it sure felt powerful.


	2. Another crazy idea

## Another crazy idea (2)

      ”You’ve got a gorgeous place here! Congratulations for the new house.” A flash of curly, red hair rushed to hug me. I knew Kirsi was fast in her movements but this attack exceeded even my expectations.

“Huh, well yes! Thank you and welcome to my new home!” I replied after I had recovered from her surprise assault at my doorstep.

“I thought you’d like these”, Kirsi huffed and handed me a heavy gift box, that turned out to contain a beautiful teapot and a set of tea mugs to go with it. “And this is from me and the boys”, she said sounding a bit smug. The flat package in her hand was definitely a CD.

“Ahh, your new album! That’s nice”. Cherry and the Vipers had made their first album already some time ago, but she knew I didn’t have it yet. I wasn’t very keen on that kind of music.

“I asked Eicca to sign it”, she snickered knowing that Apocalyptica was my soft spot.

“So, Patrik is now in Japan?” Kirsi started our discussion when we were sitting at the coffee table after touring first around the house. “I must say it was a relief to me that he left. Eicca has too many things on his plate right now. He doesn’t need any more distractions in his life.”

“You’re probably right. Patrik needs a companion that can really spend some time with him. Sorry to say but I miss him already”, I confessed and felt a blush spread on my cheeks.

“Hey woman, are you two together again? Tell me all about it!” Kirsi insisted her blue eyes flickering with curiosity.

“In a way, yes. I’m more like his companion and trustee; but for some reason he likes to make love with me. Maybe he’s more bi-sexual than he thinks.”

“That’s interesting”, Kirsi mumbled more to herself than to me.

“Just keep your hands off of him”, I warned her playfully although there was a trace of truth in what I said. I didn’t want to share this guy with any other woman.

“By the way, I asked him to be the godfather of my baby and he said yes!” I announced feeling kind of proud of him.

“He likes children? Who would have guessed that?” Kirsi wondered. “It’s a pity that our boys don’t need babysitting anymore…”

I could see there was something going on in her pretty head and I wasn’t sure I liked it.

“What are you and Perttu planning to do? Is he moving in with you?” Kirsi continued changing the subject to a safer one.

“No, he isn’t. I’m not going to push him to do that. Maybe it’s better that way. He needs his privacy and I need mine.”

“You may think otherwise when you have a crying baby at your hands day and night”, Kirsi remarked.

She was right. I needed help after the baby was born.

“Maybe I can ask my mother to help during the first months and then I’ve got good friends like you and Patrik…”

“I’m still wondering about Patrik. Does he want to have children of his own with his companion?” Kirsi continued ignoring my answer.

“That’s what he told me. He said he needed practice. But first he has to find a suitable man. That’s not going to be easy even if he is a nice and handsome guy”, I replied still uneasy about Kirsi’s questions. What was she up to?

“By the way, are you going to join our Christmas party next week?” Kirsi asked and glanced at her watch.

“No, I don’t think so. I’m tired most of the time and I can’t stay up late. I hope you’ll have a good time. Besides, Perttu probably wants to spend some time with Mikko. I know they haven’t seen each other for weeks…”

“How has Eicca taken the fact that Mikko is now part of Perttu’s life?” I asked well aware that Kirsi might not want to answer my question.

“I guess he’s a bit jealous, but he can’t do anything about it. The whole mess is his own fault. I think he assumes that their feelings will cool down now that he’s is back in the picture.”

I agreed with the first part of Kirsi’s analysis but not with the second part. “I’m not sure about that. I think Mikko and Perttu bonded pretty strongly during the crisis both as friends and lovers. That bond is going to be hard to break”, I pondered selecting my words carefully. I didn’t want Kirsi to feel that her husband’s position was somehow threatened by Mikko.  If Perttu would have to select between the two of them, it would be Eicca. But Perttu didn’t want to hurt Mikko either so the only possibility was to accept the coexistence of both men in Perttu’s life.

“Well, time will show what happens. I feel sorry for Mikko. He’s the one who’s suffering here. I wish he could find someone else…” Kirsi stopped in the middle of her sentence. She looked like she had just figured out how to build a time machine or inverse the gravity.

“Are you thinking the same thing as I am?” I asked carefully my thoughts racing around my head like Formula ones. “Patrik needs a man and Mikko needs someone….”

“That would certainly resolve some part of the problem, but I’m not sure we should mess around with their lives. Our first attempt in that field failed badly and I wouldn’t like to repeat that”, Kirsi reminded me.

She was resting her chin on her palm and gazing me with her blue eyes. I started to feel distracted. “Please don’t look at me like that”, I finally pleaded and lowered my eyes blushing slightly. I knew she was busy tonight so there was no time to make love.

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to make you feel uncomfortable. Come here and let me hold you”, she asked and stood up to take me in her arms. She caressed my hair and gave me a soft, warm kiss. “I’d really like to stay, but I can’t.”

“That’s okay. Thanks anyway for coming”, I said calmly even though my blood was racing in my veins wanting more than just one kiss. I’d have to help myself after she was gone.


	3. Anna, the stalker

## Anna, the stalker (3)

      The weeks before Christmas were a blur. I felt sick in the mornings and dead tired in the evenings. I just wanted to lie down in my bed and forget the world around me. But I had my work to take care of and Christmas to prepare. I had to keep going in spite of feeling wretched.

      My spirits roared sky high when I got the results of chromosome test made about two weeks earlier. I was expecting a healthy baby girl! I rushed to call Perttu right away, but he didn’t pick up my call. I left him a message asking him to call ASAP, but nothing happened.

“Where are you?” I wondered and suddenly I was there with him and Mikko. I honestly wasn’t planning to spy on him, but probably my need to see him was too strong to hold back my seeing powers.

      “You’re an amazing guy”, Perttu said and ruffled Mikko’s fair hair with his hand. They were sitting together in front of Mikko’s music center listening to something with headphones connected to a laptop and some kind of amplifier box. Perttu’s cellphone was lying on the living room table. No wonder he hadn’t answered my calls.

“What are you planning to do with this? This is not exactly Apocalytica stuff but more like a film or a game soundtrack”, Perttu asked taking off his headphones. Mikko took off his too and rubbed his earlobes with his fingers grinning of pain.

“These headphones are killing me! They are too tight”, he complained laying them in his lap and staring at the computer screen. Then he turned to Perttu. “I don’t know yet, but I thought you might have some good ideas. You always have”, Mikko said and reached for Perttu’s hand.

“Not right now, but I will have to think about it. Meanwhile we could test your gorgeous new bed again. It’s a pity if a big investment like that is wasted in sleeping alone.”

“I’m not sleeping alone. I have my teddy bear”, Mikko snickered and slid his fingers along a strand of Perttu’s hair. “But I’d rather have you in my bed, always…”

Perttu laid his hand on Mikko’s muscular arm and traced one of the visible veins with his finger. “I wish I had strong arms like you, but mine are soft are frail.”

“And tattooed”, Mikko added in a dreamy voice. Suddenly he grabbed Perttu’s face into his hands and started to kiss him passionately.

“Let’s go and make your teddy bear jealous!” Perttu purred when Mikko had finally finished his long kiss.

      I was mesmerized by the sensuality and intensive desire these two men seemed to share in their relationship. I had never before seen them together like this. I had wanted to but never had the chance. Now that I had the possibility I was afraid of my own reactions. Could I watch Perttu making love with someone other than myself? Could I honestly say that I wasn’t jealous of him? I had managed somehow to cope with his relationship with Eicca, but I wasn’t sure about this.

      I kept hesitating long after Perttu and Mikko had closed the bedroom door behind them. When I finally conquered my fears and followed them, I ended up in the middle of a passionate love scene. The first thing I saw was Mikko’s muscular back and arms covered in sweat and his tight bottom working relentlessly up and down between Perttu’s raised legs. Oh shit, this was almost too much for me. I tried to see Perttu’s face, but all I could discern was his hair spreading under Mikko and his hands clutching to Mikko’s arms. I could hear him alright. He was making this continuous moaning sound, the same that I had heard when I sucked him into seventh heaven. He was enjoying….

      My body reacted painfully to this almost obscene view. I just had to use my fingers to relieve the enormous pressure in my body. I reached my orgasm immediately after Mikko reached his. At this stage I lost my control and found myself back in my living room leaning against the wall half naked. Holy Moses, that was the weirdest travel I’d ever had. Anna, the stalker, in action.

      When I had recovered from this breathtaking experience, I sat a while on my couch feeling forlorn. Perttu was enjoying his life with Mikko and Patrik was far away in Japan out of my reach. It was just me and the little one trying to survive alone. This was probably going to be the normal state of affairs from now on. I sincerely hoped that I hadn’t overestimated my strength. Maybe I wasn’t the independent super woman I wanted to be.

      Once again I started to wonder, why I couldn’t see Patrik like I saw other people. Suddenly I remembered the words in my head saying that I was magical too. Maybe he was like me, a seer, but stronger than me. That would explain a lot.

      I shrugged the gloomy thoughts off of my head and stalked to the kitchen to prepare some evening meal for us.  When I was doing the dishes, my phone finally rang. Perttu returned my call sounding a bit worried.

“Sorry, I missed your calls. Is everything okay? I’ve been working with Mikko, going through his new music ideas.”

“No problem”, I replied and gave him the good news. “The chromosome test results were okay and you are going to be the father of a baby girl.”

“Whoa, that’s cool!” he huffed a bit perplexed. “Hey Mikko, it’s a girl! I’m going to have a daughter!” I heard him calling. “Congratulations, send my love and hugs to Anna”, I heard Mikko’s faint voice.

“Did you hear it? Mikko sends his love and hugs to you. This call’s for a celebration! Do you have anything planned for tomorrow?” Perttu asked.

I didn’t, so we agreed to have a dinner together at Helsinki in one of his favorite restaurants. That would be a perfect opportunity to talk about the Christmas and maybe also about the future. Besides our daughter needed a name, at least a temporary one to be used before her birth.


	4. The secret weapon

## The secret weapon (4)

      The weather turned wintery during the next day. When I was walking to the restaurant to meet Perttu the first snowflakes started to float down from the dark sky. I felt perfectly happy. Maybe we would have a white Christmas after all. I stopped and turned my face towards the sky to feel the snow tickle my face. Just then I thought I felt a faint flutter inside my body. Was the baby celebrating the first snow with me? Maybe we should call her Snow or Lumi, as it was in Finnish. The more I thought about it, the better it felt. Lumi would be a nice name for her.

      The idea of meeting Perttu in public excited me too. He didn’t like to spend his free time in attending parties or happenings of any kind. Occasionally he went to a movie, but that was just about it. For some reason tonight was an exception. Maybe he had something else on his mind than just having a good dinner. Changing our rather loose relationship into something more official was day my day becoming more urgent on my agenda.

      Once again my heart skipped a beat when the headwaiter lead me to our table and I saw Perttu waiting there for me. He was wearing a light make up and had his gorgeous hair free. He seldom wore it like that probably for practical reasons, but now the blond curls were flowing over his shoulders making him look like an angel. Hmmm, he really made eyes turn. I felt awkward when the eyes turned at me instead of him. I could almost hear people’s thoughts: Who is this woman? What is she doing with this beautiful man?

“Hi, you look lovely”, I said the first thing that came into my mind.

“You look flourishing”, Perttu complimented me.

“I must say I feel exceptionally good today. Maybe it’s because of the snow”, I replied as I sat down in front of him at our small table.  “I think I felt the baby kicking for the first time on my way here”, I enthused trying to keep my voice down.

“Isn’t it a little early yet?” Perttu asked looking professional. He had done his homework.

“Maybe it’s just my imagination, but I’d like to think that she is delighted about the snow. Actually I was planning to call her Lumi. What do you think about a name like that? It’s a bit unusual, but sounds somehow right to me.”

“Lumi Kivilaakso… That’s a beautiful name…. Actually I love it!” Perttu finally agreed with a smile on his face. “Lumi be it then” he concluded and raised his water glass to toast with me.

      After our toast he fell into a deep silence and just kept staring at his glass. At first I thought he was thinking about the name we had just given to our daughter, but then his sad face started to make me worried.

“What is it?” I finally had to ask

“Kirsi told me that you’re still in love with Patrik”, he mumbled in a low voice.

“It’s more friendship than love, but yes, I met him after Eicca had left him. He was devastated and I tried to help him over it. He deserves that”, I replied. I felt angry and frustrated about Kirsi blabbering my private matters to Perttu. What did she gain by making him feel sad and jealous?

“I’m sorry that I didn’t tell you about it. I thought you knew where we stand. Patrik will be in my life in one form or another because he is my friend. But you are the man I love and the father of my child”, I said and reached out my hand over the table to hold his.

At that point I noticed that he wore a new ring, a beautifully engraved gold ring with an onyx stone.

“Wow, that’s a beautiful thing! Where did you get that from?” I asked and slid my finger on the ring surface.

“Mikko gave it to me yesterday as a token of our friendship”, Perttu replied with a gentle and loving smile on his lips.

My guts wrenched with pain and I barely managed to suffocate my internal scream: “Where’s my ring?”

“Oh, he’s really serious about your relationship then”, I eventually managed to say something coherent.

“Yeah, he would like me to live with him, but I didn’t promise him anything. It wouldn’t be fair for you”, Perttu mumbled looking embarrassed and turned the ring in his middle finger around and around.

My anger and frustration grew stronger with every turn of the ring. For sure it wouldn’t be fair for me or the baby!

      The waiter interrupted our discussion by coming to take our orders. Perttu had already made his selection and I settled for the same, so we got rid of the waiter quite quickly. I couldn’t care less of the food now. I had lost my appetite completely.  Anyway, I was thankful for the interruption. It had prevented me from speaking out my mind and saying something utterly stupid.

“So, what are your plans for Christmas? Is Mikko expecting you to be there with him?” I asked fearing for the worst.

“We haven’t really talked about it, but I guess he’d want me to be with him, at least part of the time.”

I was wrecking my brain to find some reasonable compromise to this mess. Suddenly I figured out a solution:

“Why don’t you both come to my place to spend Christmas? I have plenty of room and I’d like to have some company. Mikko could help me with cooking. I’m not especially good at it”, I blabbered horrified by the thought that I would have to spend Christmas alone.

“Really? That would be great! ”Perttu smiled and looked relieved. “I will ask, if he’s willing to come.”

      Our meal was excellent, but I was too distracted by the events of the evening to enjoy it properly. I had just learned the hard way, how difficult it was to share a man with to other guys. But I had one secret weapon in my arsenal that they didn’t have. I had Lumi. She would wrap her father around her little finger and keep him there for the rest of his life. I would just have to hang on until she was born.


	5. A hole in my soul

## A hole in my soul (5)

      The idea of keeping in touch with Patrik through social media turned out to be wishful thinking. He didn’t publish anything on his Facebook pages except some occasional likes now and then. He didn’t react to my messages as if he wanted nothing to do with me. At first I thought it was due to the time difference and the stress he experienced in his new environment, but as time passed by and the situation didn’t improve, I came to the obvious conclusion: He was closing me out of his life in Japan.

      Finally I tried to call him, but the number I had wasn’t working. He had changed his phone number and didn’t bother to tell me about it. I was devastated and angry. My longing for him drove me to desperate attempts to find him in the spirit world. I spent hours trying to locate him in company offices in Japan and Korea. Once I thought I saw a glimpse of him and that made me try even harder. In the end I was so tired and exhausted that I just laid on my bed listening to Apocalyptica and crying my eyes out. He really was the thorn that had ripped a gaping hole in my soul, a hole that didn’t heal in spite of my attempts to forget him.

      As if to mock me he sent me a postcard from Kiyomizudera temple in Kyoto telling that he was spending his sparse free time by visiting the famous temples and gardens in Japan. Fuck the temples! Just when I was giving up all hope I received a bunch of photos from him in my Messenger. They were from his Kyoto visit and included even couple of selfies. I knew he detested taking selfies so I felt honoured.

      I thanked him and commented the photos, which were actually very good. He had an eye for composition and sense of details required in photography. I of course complained about the phone number. It turned out that he had now a new company phone. He had dropped his own cell into a river shortly after his arrival in Japan. How convenient! Anyways I got his new phone number and started to feel better again.

      It was wonderful to hear Patrik’s voice again after so many weeks. The sensation was almost the same as actually having him near me. I told him about the snow in Helsinki, the decision to call our daughter Lumi and of course about our Christmas plans. He was curious about having Mikko join us for Christmas so I had to explain him the situation with Eicca, Mikko and Perttu.

“Okay, that sounds a bit complicated to me”, he commented with a smile in his voice.

“It is complicated and I hate it, but I can’t do anything about it. Anyway, it’s nice to have people around the house during Christmas. Mikko is by the way a good cook.”

“Is he?” Patrik commented. “He seems to be a very capable and talented person as all Apocalyptica guys.”

      I asked Patrik about his Christmas plans but he was very vague about them. Christmas was of course recognized in Japan but not celebrated like in Finland. New Year was the thing in Japan.

“Have you met any interesting people during your stay?” I asked trying not pry too much.

“They are all very welcoming but they keep their distance”, he explained. To me it sounded like he was disappointed.

“Based on my own experience, it’s going to take time to get properly acquainted, but once you do, it can be very rewarding”, I encouraged him.

“Yeah, but I don’t have much time to spend anywhere. We keep moving from office to office all the time. The only person I’ve really learned to know is my guide and instructor. She is a very nice person.”

Oh shit, there was a SHE involved!

“She is a young engineer fluent in English. I think they are planning to send her to Europe after my visit”, Patrik continued.

“Have you had a chance to practice your Japanese skills?” I asked wanting to change the subject to a less sensitive one.

“Not very much. Everybody wants to speak English with me and my Japanese is too elementary to conduct a proper discussion. But I’ve made some progress. I can listen and understand now much more and I have also learned to recognize a few new kanji.”

      I was happy and relieved after finishing my call with Patrik although I didn’t like the idea of this new “girlfriend”. The main thing was that he was doing fine and I could talk to him if I wanted to. He was the drug I needed to become whole again.


End file.
